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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

What Easter Means to Me Now


I felt down on Wednesday morning and decided to go for a walk in the sunshine in an attempt to cheer myself up.  I loaded my sweet little toddler into the stroller and she began to wave and say hello to everything she saw—dogs and bugs included.  The blossoming trees were fragrant, the tulips and hyacinths were so bright and colorful, the birds were singing, and suddenly I was sobbing.  All I could think about was stepping in front of a car.  Fortunately, I realized that this was not rational thinking.  I kept walking, frightened that if I stopped something terrible would happen. Tears streamed down my face as I called my husband who was nearly an hour away at work.  He immediately sped home, and in the meantime we each desperately called neighbors to come to my rescue.  In a beautiful tender mercy, my friend Emily who is usually at the gym at that time had for some reason decided to stay home and do yard work that day.  She picked me up, took me to her house, and started chatting—distracting me from my awful thoughts.
Long story short, my husband spent the day by my side.  I called my psychiatrist who immediately got me on some Zyprexa which put me into a deep sleep and took the edge off.  I saw him the next day and we realized that the Wellbutrin I’d been on for the last 2 ½ weeks had made things worse—much worse.  We raised my Zoloft dose and added Abilify and for the last four days I’ve felt a million times better.
Asking for help is hard for me—even in such an urgent situation.  I would much rather be the one to give service than to ask for it.  But then I remember something I recently learned in my scripture study.  When Jesus Christ suffered for our sins in Gethsemane, he set a powerful example for us.  He, the only perfect person to walk the earth, sought help—three times—from his friends under His heavy burden.  He was completely capable of shouldering it alone, but He desired companionship and He asked for it. (Matt. 26:38-43)
Today is the one year anniversary of the day I received the diagnosis that will impact my family and me for the rest of my life. This week we also celebrate the anniversary of events nearly 2,000 years ago that impact my family and me forever…
 
I believe that my Redeemer lives, and Easter has a new significance for me now.  Because of Him, I know that despite how utterly limited I feel some days—one day I will be “breathtakingly perfect in body and mind.” 
And in the meantime…
Because of Him, my life has direction and purpose.  He is my example and I find happiness and peace when I try to be like Him by doing good and by taking time to be holy.
Because of Him, my best is enough.  No matter how much I fall short, He makes up the difference—again and again and again.
Because of Him, I can let go and know that everything is going to eventually be okay.
And because of Him, today I went for another walk on a beautiful spring day—my heart brimming with gratitude and hope.

3 comments:

  1. Caitlin,
    You are awe inspiring, really you are. I understand from a care takers end and I you are so blessed to have an amazing husband and friends you can turn to for help. Changing meds is such a struggle, weighing the good the bad and the ugly side effects. I pray this change will continue to help. Zyprexa is a great med for many...increases appetite so hide the Cadbury mini eggs! LOL You are in my thoughts often. My son continues to struggle with wanting to stay on his eds or make choices that will help him, but having the Lord on our side sure does help ease the stress!

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  2. Caitlin,

    This made me cry. Thank you so much. I had a really bad day today and it was nice to have this to relate to.

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